Have you ever found yourself sitting on the couch, scrolling through social media instead of tackling that project you promised yourself you’d finish? Or perhaps you’ve postponed an important conversation, convincing yourself that now is just not the right time? If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many people grapple with self-sabotage, an interesting type of behaviour that can affect much of our life including work, relationships, and the way we achieve our goals.
What Is Self-Sabotage?
Self sabotage, at its core, refers to unhelpful choices and actions that undermine our own outcomes. I say actions and choices because even not doing anything is making a choice to not act. In Australia, for example, we see this behaviour manifest in students who give up on their schooling, degree or diploma, often choosing not to try hard on assignments so they can excuse their poor grades later. These actions may arise from deep seated issues like low self-esteem, fear of failure, and past trauma.
Another way to look at this is that it’s an outward facing manifestation of an internal conflict.
But what if self-sabotage isn’t what it seems?
The Myth of Self-Sabotage
Let’s take a moment to challenge what we think we know. Some experts argue that self sabotage may be more of a myth than a reality. Instead of viewing these behaviours as harmful acts against ourselves, consider this: every behaviour has a positive intention behind it. When someone procrastinates, they might not be trying to sabotage their success; instead, they might be subconsciously seeking to alleviate anxiety. It’s a momentary escape from stress – a familiar comfort zone.
Think of it like gripping a life raft in turbulent waters. The raft might not lead safely to shore, but its familiarity can feel safer than facing the choppy waves of change.
Self-Sabotage or Fixed Mindset?
In 2006 Carol Dweck PhD released a best selling book called Mindset, which was touted as the new psychology classic. In analysis, there are some interesting links between the two. A fixed mindset, (the belief that our abilities are unchangeable) may contribute to self-sabotage. When people adopt this mindset, they often view challenges as impossible obstacles to overcome. For example, someone may shy away from taking risks, convinced that any failure would confirm their inadequacy. In this way, they may engage in self-sabotaging behaviors, such as procrastination or avoidance, as a means to protect themselves from the fear of failing, ultimately reinforcing their belief that they are doomed to failure.
Conversely, embracing a growth mindset (where one sees challenges as opportunities for learning) can break this cycle of self-sabotage. By changing the perspective on failure to a stepping stone for growth, people can focus more on progress as opposed to the goal outcome. One of my mentors taught me that we set goals not to hit them every time but to move us closer to our dreams.
This approach encourages proactive engagement with goals, reducing the tendency to retreat or quit, which can impact our self image. When we recognise that growth comes from focusing on learning or wisdom as opposed to winning, we can easily see that we are already successful every day. What mindset will you choose?
Recognising the Signs
Common self sabotaging behaviours include procrastination, perfectionism, and even blaming others. These actions often emerge from unmet needs. For instance, there might be a promotion on offer and you’re in the running. You end up going out on the weekend instead of preparing for the interview. Is this self sabotage, need to relieve the anxiety from being under pressure or are you running an avoidance pattern?
Awareness precedes change, but there’s no amount of awareness that produces better outcomes. It’s action that precedes transformation, but it works better when it follows awareness.
Empowering Change
So how can we navigate this complex landscape and begin to take control? Here are some steps to consider:
1. Awareness is a Start: The journey starts with recognising when you’re engaging in self sabotage. Ask yourself, “What am I avoiding? What feelings am I trying to escape?”
2. Seek Professional Support: Working with a professional can help you uncover patterns in your behavior and guide you towards healthier strategies. It’s like having a skilled navigator in your boat, assisting you through the stormy waters or a coach for a sports team.
3. Reframe and Redirect: Instead of labeling behaviors as self sabotage, view them as outdated coping mechanisms. By reframing this narrative, you can focus on understanding and addressing unmet needs instead of beating yourself up.
4. Build Self Esteem: We are sensory beings. The most effective way to build self esteem is to rub shoulders with people you admire, get a mentor, focus on your input: reading, listening and setting small goals. Setting achievable goals will cast votes for your future self.
The Inner Game
Understanding self sabotage is not just about blaming ourselves but about exploring the inner rhythms of our behaviour. By shifting our perspective and recognising that every action comes from a place of need, we empower ourselves to make meaningful changes in our lives. People don’t do things unless it moves them towards pleasure or away from pain.
So, the next time you find yourself procrastinating, take a step back. Reflect on what your actions might be saying about your needs and how you can respond more constructively. Remember, growth often manifests from challenge, meaning and a retry. Napoleon Hill once said that “Most great people have acquired their greatest success just one step beyond their greatest failure.” This emphasises the idea that failure is not the end, but rather a stepping stone to success, and that many people give up just when they are on the brink of achieving their goals.
If you want to discuss your unique circumstance around self-sabotage, reach out for a free consultation.