Let’s talk about the idea that there are quite a lot of systemic and hierarchical issues in society that teaches us to be good subordinates and followers and less about leadership. It starts in school where we get taught what to think and not how to think. We accept that the subjects are what we need to thrive but in fact are omitting key life skill areas like: How to make quality choices, how to navigate and regulate our emotions, how to cultivate healthy partner relationships and how to successfully pay off a mortgage.
The knowledge is there but why isn’t it passed down?
The Reward System: Correctness vs. Learning
The system of reward for getting something right as opposed to reward for learning is emphasised and can be detrimental. People grow up associating correctness with reward and the brain fires and wires the connections that form our way of thinking. Young people then grow up thinking that their value is attributed to whether they can correctly recall what someone has advised them is truth. Truth in itself is subjective and evolving. People once thought the earth was flat; that we live in a geocentric universe which effectively means that the earth was deemed the centre of the universe; all cholesterol is bad and smoking cigarettes is harmless. Statistics show that deviation in scientific fact from 100 years ago range from 30-70% across all the major sciences.
The Many Types of Intelligence
Take a moment to reflect on when was the last time you thought someone was intelligent? Who was the person and what was the indicator that brought you to that decision?
For most of us, we attach intelligence to intellectual or book smarts. Whether they are an academic may give us a learnt indication that the person is deemed smart or intelligent. Labelling someone in this way based on their ability to recall text and sounds is a globalisation.
What are their relationships like?
How do they connect with nature and see patterns?
What are their motor skills like?
There are many different types of smarts: emotional intelligence, logical intelligence, spatial intelligence, musical intelligence, interpersonal intelligence, intrapersonal intelligence, body-kinesthetic intelligence, naturalistic intelligence, and the list goes on. There was barely any recognition of these types when I was in school, with obedience and memory being the primary focus for recognition.
Full disclosure, I struggled at academics but thrived with kinesthetic and naturalistic learning, but the beauty of discovering this late in life is that our brains are plastic. We can work on our weaknesses to improve and strengthen our strengths to excel.
Compliance and Decision-Making
We were rewarded for doing what we were told, learning what we were told, and asking for permission. Whilst there’s value in this, there appeared to be an imbalance in our ability to make choices. To learn how to decide. We were reliant on what our parents said were the right subjects to choose or what was the most popular things to learn.
The Fear of Failure
How could we be good at making decisions, taking charge, and being responsible for our actions if we never were taught how? How could we learn that success is built on the back of failure? We thought that failure was bad and to be avoided at all costs. This may be what contributes toward a generation of anxiety. Learning that if they do something wrong, the sentient is passed down that we are not enough. The fear of not being accepted by the tribe is inbuilt into our DNA with over 9 different reasons why humans behave to avoid being ostracised.
These range from Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to Attachment Theory for example.
Failing means we are not enough. If we are not enough then we are not accepted. If we are not accepted then we are vulnerable and outside the safety of the tribe.
Learning Differences and Neurodiversity
People learn at different paces, in different ways, and process information differently. Something called neurodiversity has surfaced as a way to classify people who are neurodivergent in the classroom, with about 5 out of 25 students fitting into that classification. Some neurodivergent people show ADHD, autistic, and dyslexic tendencies. Such classification wasn’t very well known 10-2 0 years ago, with teachers not knowing how to identify and adjust. The teachers taught not to the specific learning or cognitive style of each student; how could they? It’s near impossible to cater to everyone in a group setting.
The Corporate Environment
So the issue starting in school, as detailed, continues into corporate life where you become an employee and acquire a boss. If you Google “boss” or “manager”, you’ll find that boss is defined as a “person who is in charge of a worker, group, or organisation.” Likewise, something similar for a manager: “a person responsible for controlling or administering an organisation or group of staff.” Some interesting words are part of the meaning like “controlling” and “in charge,” with the definition of in charge referring back to the narrative of control.
Anecdotally, working in the tech industry I have had access to many companies over the past few years and what I can say is that I’ve come across a lot of redundancies and company restructures. These include not only the company I’d worked for but I struggled to come across an Australian business that hadn’t done some offshoring, consolidation or new ownership.
This instability creates fear and in turn, some people might be more compliant to avoid losing their job. Instead of moving to a state of power, the sentiment is a feeling of doing what is asked, with not many questions asked. This can breed a reliance on others to make decisions for them, but for some, that is short lived as a decision may be made to look for a job elsewhere.
Overcoming Control in Our Lives
So if it’s like we’ve been taught what to think, not how to think at school and we’re being controlled by someone else at work, when do we learn that our outcomes are heavily influenced by our own behaviour? Through taking responsibility, learning discrimination skills and freedom to fail enough to absorb information well, there might be hope. We’re spending one third, or 90,000 hours working under the instruction of someone else, acting like a subservient, how do we build the confidence to make our own decisions in life? How do we build the responsibility muscle to be accountable for our outcomes when the action preceding them may not be what we decided? The idea of losing that deal, missing that meeting, or not submitting work before a timeline leads us into anxiety, fear, and even burnout if we work ourselves tirelessly to avoid persecution. At what cost? Our health, relationships, and equanimity.
The Path Forward
Now, I’m not saying that everyone’s experience has been without a level of autonomy. There are a variety of schools, teaching methods, and jobs that allow for the person to choose, make mistakes, learn, have no deadline pressure, or negative consequences for learning differently. Or not being subservient, but I’ve not come across them as yet. Hell, you might even be a boss or manager, but there’s always someone above you. Even the business owner can’t escape the tax man and debt collector.
Maybe capitalism has a lot to answer for with the overzealous competitive philosophy towards our consumer system. I’m in no way against capitalism but I do think we’re heading into a challenging time for our world, with a continued disregard for nature perpetrated by the natural resource, geophysical and chemical industries.
Challenges ahead for our youth, who face the big clean up in their impending adulthood left by the wake of boomers and Gen X.
What can we do as individuals and communities to draw our power back?
Whilst the list is too long and varied to explore, there are a few actions we can take to learn to thrive:
- Clean up your own house: “Change starts at home” said Nobel Peace prize winner Mother Teresa. Work on your growth, your relationships and your mission.
- Values assessment: If someone asked you what are your top 3 values, would you be able to list them? Think about and write down what matters most to you and align your actions to fit.
- Create boundaries: Consciously or unconsciously, we teach people how to treat us by the boundaries we set. Read that again.
- Be impeccable with your word: One of the four agreements from the book by Don Ruiz. One of the most compelling ways to grow confidence is to follow through with our word. If we do not, then we lose faith and confidence in ourselves. Every word we follow through with is a vote we’re casting for our future selves.
- Sometimes we win, sometimes we learn: Reframe failures as learnings. Michael Jordan famously said that the reason he succeeds is because he fails. If you Google who has missed the most shots in NBA history, you can absorb this message.
If you’ve experienced difficulties setting boundaries or deciding on what step to take next on your journey in life, I’d love to hear your story.